Begin your sentence with
"I' statements instead of "you" statements.
State how the behavior
affects you. "I get frustrated and angry, when you ignore me,"
vs. You always ignore me! You make me so angry!"
Make your criticism
specific.
Write it down if you forget
the specifics of situations. Mention the time, place and frequency of
behavior/language in question. "During this last week alone, I have
picked up your towel every morning, taken your clean clothes back out of
the laundry basket, picked up your chess pieces and dirty dishes four
times...," vs. "You are a complete slob!" (I didn’t say we
don’t think these thoughts, it’s just best not to repeat them this way)
''Your sloppy work habits tell me you don't care for your job."
Don't exaggerate the
problem.
Avoid "always" and
"never" language. Since exaggerated language is rarely true, the
whole statement is negated by the listener. ''You always leave a disaster
behind you." ''You never get your payroll in on time."
Watch the adjectives you use
to describe the thinking/behavior/situation you are criticizing.
Some are loaded with venom
and anger that won't enable your criticism to be heard. Instead of saying,
"Your expectations are completely ridiculous, you'll never get your
work done,"...try, "Have you considered the fact your timeline
expectations may not be realistic?" Or, ''Your eating habits are
disgusting."... "John, I can hear you chewing from all the way
over here. Please keep your mouth shut."
When offering criticism, it’s
wise to also suggest a solution.
Even if someone is willing
to change, they may have no idea where to start or confidence to pursue a
better solution- "How about if we meet for 20 minutes on Monday
mornings, and you can show me your objectives/ goals for the week?"
Or, "How about if we come up with a code word to use when I can hear
you chewing?"
Sarcasm is the coward’s
way of expressing negative feelings or criticism.
Be direct, don’t
assume someone "will get the gist" of your comments and
accordingly make changes.
Ask for feedback.
Clarify that the person
hearing your criticism heard what you meant, not what you said. Have them
repeat back what they think you said needed work and the suggested
solution. "I think you're saying it’s frustrating and a concern that
I keep turning in my paperwork late. We can meet on Mondays and see if that
helps me stay to task and do things like, my payroll in on time and return
client calls in a timely fashion."
Ask if there
are any limitations or obstacles keeping them from doing something about
their troublesome area.
(For
instance, do they agree with your criticism? Do they have a different point
of view that will influence your opinion about how it should be handled?)
