Six weeks into the new school year, Kiel, our oldest son, was frustrated with math. I suggested he ask the teacher for some help. "No way, that’s the worst thing I could do. She hates when you ask questions." "Gee, I thought that’s what teachers were for. So, how do you plan to learn this math?" Kiel told me not to worry that he would figure it out. He then went on to explain to me what he had observed about performing and working well with each of his teachers Mr. Lupin (not their real names) likes when we follow his 36 rules for good writing, follow those rules and you’re set. Mr. Tobin likes class participation, so I get very involved. Mrs. Paige, the infamous math teacher, hates questions. I only ask when I really need to. I ask the other students for help and work a bit longer trying to figure things out. Mrs. Webber likes to see us really giving our work the best effort, so that’s no problem. Mr. Dean, I think he’s pretty laid back. Just do good work and turn everything in on time." That is how Emotional Intelligence works for a thirteen year old. He watched, reflected, considered his options, and decided on his plan of attack for having a great school year by working well with his teachers. While Kiel’s IQ is great, his EQ is helping him perform well with less stress.

That’s what EQ is about, understanding how to work with, relate to and motivate others most effectively, while being true to your own convictions, temperament and experience.

The next frontier of business growth and strategy will lean heavily on developing the EQ of our leadership and the team members they lead. The concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) became popular after the huge success of Daniel Goleman’s book in 1995, Emotional Intelligence; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. He published a follow up book in 1998 called Working with Emotional Intelligence. At the time many businesses were amazed by the research that overwhelmingly showed that up to 90 percent of one’s performance effectiveness was due to emotional savvy rather than technical or intellectual knowledge.

You’ve witnessed the impact and effectiveness of those with strong people skills. Their IQ’s and resumes are secondary to their interpersonal skills. This thought though, runs counter to a culture where GPA and SAT scores promised an advantage in the business world.

Here’s the best news about EQ being a stronger predictor of success than IQ; EQ can be developed. Unlike IQ, with is set and unchangable from childhood on, EQ develops with insight, practice and maturity.

Utilizing the power and energy of one’s emotions leads to high motivation, improved decision-making, improved problem solving and more accountable behavior.

In 1983, Howard Gardner, a Harvard psychologist, listed seven kinds of intelligence including knowing one’s inner world and social adeptness. Peter Salovey and John Mayer created the label to name this kind of intelligence in their work in 1990. They called it emotional intelligence. While there are a number of definitions (I gave you my own simplifed version above), I especially like Hendrie Weisinger"s definition. Dr. Weisinger is a licensed psychologist and expert in anger management. He says, "Quite simply, emotional intelligence is the intelligent use of emotions. It is emotionally intelligent when you intentionally make emotions work for you by using them to help guide your behavior and thinking in ways that enhance your results."

Do you have a high EQ? Rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 (1 being weak, 5 being mastered)

a high awareness of strengths and weaknesses

a high degree personal accountability to self and others

a keen awareness of how your behavior, demeanor and mood influences others

am competent and consistent with self-care and health habits understanding their influence on my energy, creativity, vitality and patience

am proactive in developing/maintaining a strong support network in and outside the workplace

makes criticism constructive

can delay gratification & has good impulse control

developed sense of empathy (the ability to consider a situation according to another persons point of view and incorporate that insight into a response or reaction)

Suggestion: Ask five other individuals in your life (home, staff, clients) to rate you on these characteristics. What do you discover?

You’re busy, so why should you take the time to examine your EQ and that of your reps. and staff? Because low EQ undermines both an individual's’ and a company's’ growth and success. Conversely, high EQ leads to productive outcomes at both an individual and organizational level. Emotional intelligence is instrumental in resolving a sticky situation with a rep., in signing on a new client, dealing with a high maintenance client or staying on a task until it is completed.

The inability to manage emotions and communicate effectively often leads to unresolved and repetitive conflicts among staff, it lowers morale and diminishes productivity. A high EQ staff; communicates with understanding and respect; sets group goals and helps others work toward them; and experiences an enthusiasm and confidence throughout the organization. Infighting is not tolerated, discontent is dealt with directly and quickly and negativity and sarcasm are not a part of the culture. Does this describe your organization?

How we react to our emotions determine the success and satisfaction we experience in life. Most people believe that emotions are caused by events. They are, in fact, caused by our interpretations of events, sometimes so fleeting and fast as to be beneath the level of consciousness. Psychologist Patsi Krakoff describes it this way; "Our pre-conscious, split second thought give rise to automatic emotional reactions. We then have a choice as to how we behave, what we say, and how we handle a situation. The appropriateness of our actions and the effectiveness of our communications make up our emotional intelligence. A person who is highly-developed emotionally becomes sensitive to pre-conscious thoughts, questions their validity and appropriateness, and is able to directly influence feelings, thoughts and behaviors."

You’ve heard it described here frequently, small choices make a big difference. It’s the thinking that happens just seconds before that small choice is taken that makes the difference.

IQ is important for success, EQ is critical. People need to be able to handle their own and others emotions in order to trust, commit and team up for problem-solving, decision-making and goal achievement.

Know yourself well. Use assessment tools, reflection time, journaling and conversations with others to learn about your strengths and needed areas of growth. Don’t be afraid to ask, others responses may be great gifts of insight to you.

Identify the causes of feelings: become aware of split-second, preconscious thoughts and their possible distortions.

Start "stopping yourself." When a habitual response to stress sabotages your energy or health, stop, think of options and choose a better response. (ie. When the chocolate chip cookie is the response to your anger, talk a walk around the building instead)

Become aware of how you respond to anger and fear. This is a subset of becoming aware of your emotional style; what do you do to avoid discomfort?

Begin to trust your instincts or "gut." Respond incorporating those impressions.

Increase your optimism factor. Give yourself and others positive feedback more often. Reframe negatives. Read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.

Develop the skill of knowing when not reacting is the best way to react.

Work with a mentor or personal coach to improve your EQ.

There are four skills or abilities that give rise to your emotional intelligence. They are hierarchical, with each level incorporating and building upon the capabilities of all previous ones. The four building blocks, developed by Peter Salovey and John Mayer, are:

The ability to accurately perceive, appraise, and express emotion

The ability to access or generate feelings on demand when they can facilitate understanding of yourself or another person

The ability to understand emotions and the knowledge that derives from them.

The ability to regulate emotions to promote emotional and intellectual growth.

A high EQ organization is inspired by its leader. The outcome of developing your EQ means you will help others to manage their emotions, communicate effectively, resolve conflicts and become motivated to achieve your goals without stress and exhaustion. The first time I heard Jim Cannon speak, he described the essential skill of managing client expectations. He said that was, "One of the keys to success." That is EQ in action.

Resources for more information:

Executive EQ: Emotional Intelligence in Leadership and Organization, Robert Cooper

Emotional Intelligence at Work, by Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.

Emotional Intelligence; Why it can matter more than IQ by Daniel Goleman

Why is Everyone So Cranky? The Ten Trends That Are Making Us Angry by C. Leslie Charles

Web sites:

http://www.6seconds.org/

http://www.qmetricseq.com/