3 Motives That Make a Negative Difference: People Pleasing I’ve discovered an obstacle for many people not taking better care of themselves is they have let others’ approval get in the way of wise self-care. Have you considered what motivates you to do and say the things you do? Look at the following attitudes that relate to relationships with other people. These negative beliefs can get in the way of you making small choices that make a big difference. 1.  I don't want to disappoint people. If you have been overextending yourself, ignoring your own needs and boundaries, then, yes, you will now disappoint people by being motivated to take better care of yourself. People have relied on you because you've been willing to give so much despite your own needs (that they probably don't know about). Sylvia found herself more and more frazzled at work. Her coworker Bill had unknowingly become accustomed to her covering his mistakes. Finally, when her migraines became too frequent and her own work began to suffer, she set boundaries with Bill regarding his responsibilities. Two months after she stopped covering for Bill, his addiction became apparent to those in the organization who needed to know and could act on his behalf. The company helped Bill get into treatment to achieve sobriety. Who knows how much longer she could have continued to cover two people's workloads? Sylvia found the cost to her physical and emotional health too high. If you have been picking up the slack for people, they definitely will be inconvenienced when you stop. They may even face consequences for their choices. It will be their responsibility to figure out what needs to be done differently. Today could be the day you begin to practice letting go of worrying about what other people think. 2. I feel guilty spending too much time on myself. If feeling guilty keeps you from taking better care of yourself, review why you are striving to develop new habits. Your reasons may be that you want to be more patient, more creative, and/or more calm. You want to be able to concentrate on other people or on your work more deeply and consistently. You want less stress-induced symptoms of fatigue and being overwhelmed. These are not selfish motives. They are actually quite wise. Taking better care of yourself is good for you and other people. With that in mind, feeling guilty does not seem to be an appropriate response to self-care. 3. If I make the changes I believe I need to make, I'm afraid I'll be divorced, lose my job, alienate my kids, fail, disappoint myself--pick any one. This is probably the toughest barrier to overcome when committing to change. Kathy and I were talking through her intake session questionnaire for coaching. I heard her desire, enthusiasm, and hope that she would begin to make the changes she wanted. I noted, however, that whenever we talked about supportive people in her life, her husband was never mentioned. She became agitated when I asked directly about his support for her. No, she couldn't count on him. As a matter of fact, she tearfully admitted, she was afraid if she really committed to all that we talked about, she would end up divorced. Kathy and I agreed that her relationship with her husband needed work and that she would put energy into it later on as she became better at her own self-care. She didn't have the physical and emotional reserves to deal with her marriage right now. It was deeply important for her to be able to say out loud what her greatest fear was in becoming an intentional woman, and she needed the skills to move ahead wisely. (And, yes, she did discover the energy and focus to work on and in her marriage.) What is the greatest fear you need to voice--out loud--to enable you to move forward with your commitment to be purposeful in your life? Write about what you fear, desire, and are grateful for in your life. Or talk with someone about these things. Articulating the random, often unnoticed, thoughts that tug at your heart, mind, and soul will help you become clearer about the steps you need to take to close the gap(s) in your life between what you experience and what you want to experience. excerpt from Progress Not Perfection: Your Journey Matters by Kate Larsen (Expert Publishing Inc.: 2007 ) Kate in the Media You can read an interesting article I was interviewed for in April 2007 issue of INNER IDEA called Presence: What is Wellness? By Mary Monroe http://w2.inneridea.com/library/What-Is-Wellness Something to Consider Men and woman are wired differently. Yes, we can have similar talents and abilities; however, we do tend to have a different worldview. Harvard Business Review recently cited a study conducted in 2001 by Pepperdine University which examined 25 of the top Fortune 500 companies The study revealed that the firms with the best record of promoting women to top positions were 69% more profitable than the median for their industry when measuring profits as a percentage of stockholder equity. Similarly, the advocacy group Catalyst found in a study of 353 Fortune 500 firms that those with the highest percentage of female senior managers had 35% higher return on investment than those in the lowest quartile. I wonder, as you strategize how to create great plans (whether for work or your personal life), do you get input from both the male and female perspective. If businesses can benefit from female input, might our personal lives benefit from masculine input? I wonder. Creative thinking between the differing approaches to challenges and opportunities can help you develop solutions to living wisely and impacting others in ways you may never imagined. Who can seek some input in for a current challenge? Have you ordered your copy of Progress Not Perfection yet? If you enjoy the messages conveyed each month in this ezine, you’ll love the book. Go to http://www.katelarsen.com/products.html to order a copy for yourself and a friend. If you want me to sign it to you or someone else, put a note in your order and I’ll be happy to take care of it. Kate Larsen, PCC http://www.katelarsen.com http://www.wellcoaches.com/kate.larsen Phone: 952-943-1430 Author of Progress Not Perfection: Your Journey Matters Executive coach for The Ken Blanchard Companies Faculty, advisor, mentor and executive coach for Wellcoaches Corp.