Transform your life, one choice at a time
Transform your team, one person at a timeThis month's issue of Maximum Performance is the first in a two part article. This issue contains;
- Part 1 The Care and Feeding of Friendships
- Book and Web site Resources for adults and kids
- An exercise option for the spring
- Quote for the month
- Leadership Speaking Call
- Your requestsThe Care and Feeding of Friendships Part I
Part I addresses the 4 key requirements for building and sustaining friendships that give us energy, hope and fun. Part II which will appear in the next issue will provide 3 Reality Checks that help you evaluate and adjust your expectations for and about friends.
The phone rings at 7 am on Thursday. On most mornings a call at this time would alarm me (something's happened to someone) or make me sigh (we've got enough going on without calls coming in). Not today. Since it's 7 am on Thursday, I know it's Laura, my best friend back in Illinois. It's time for a friendship shot.
After I moved out of state 10 years ago, Laura and I found that connecting seemed impossible with five kids between us and businesses and homes to run.
Do we have time now? No. Yet, we know there will never be enough time, so we make it. How about you? Are you nurturing friendships these days? A few months ago, I heard a common theme when I talked to my clients. A surprising number of men and women mentioned that they missed the fun, energy, encouragement and insight they got from friends.
Whether these common feelings were coincidental or were triggered by feeling vulnerable after 9/11, they inspired me to think about friendship. I started reflecting about why it's critical to nurture friendships and why leaders need to make friendships a priority. Unfortunately, I find that many leaders ignore their friendships. Do you? This choice diminishes your impact, effectiveness and health.
Having friendships that are genuine and deep or fun and rejuvenating, make you a better leader, mother, father, sister, brother, coach, author, board member, etc. Friends remind us of how to laugh and lighten up. Friends remind us how special we are. Friends provide hope and encouragement when we most need it.
Who was your best friend in grade school? High school? During your 20s and 30s? I'd guess it didn't take you long to think of their names, and I'll bet you smiled when you thought of them. How many of these friends do you still connect with?
Guys are generally conditioned in such a way that they count on their wives for their "friends." The sociologist Andrew Greenley said that the "basic ingredients
for a good marriage are friendship and sex." That being said, men greatly benefit from the bonding that comes from exploring similar issues with other men. This bonding often comes about when they make time for golf, hunting or other activities. While women generally recognize the need for "girls" time, they often do not make time for female bonding activities. They struggle with giving themselves permission to step away from their families and careers. It is worth the effort to do so, though.
How high of a priority do you make your friendships? On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being completely unimportant and 10 being essential), how important do you feel your friendship skills are to your leadership abilities? How connected are friendship skills to your health?
I believe the answer for both points should be a 10.
Friends can rejuvenate you, support you, challenge you and love you. While friends can also disappoint you, frustrate you, forget you, embarrass you and anger you, they can share your dreams and lighten your burden. Friends can teach you how to negotiate and express yourself in new ways. Perhaps most importantly, friends can teach you how to laugh.
The bottom line is that when you connect at a deeper level with friends (instant messaging and chat rooms DON'T count!), you get filled at a heart level that fuels your spirit. A person with a filled heart and fueled spirit leads and connects in a more powerful way with others. If having a positive impact and being healthy are important values for you, read on to learn how to exercise your friendship muscles.
Here are four requirements of healthy, worthwhile friendships and three reality checks about those friendships. For each point, I've included some solutions for improving your skill and attention to that area. I've also provided questions to move you to a new level of awareness and action.Friendship Requirements
Requirement #1: Friendship Requires Commitment.
Because we have busy, full lives, we need to make a time commitment to connect with friends, whether they are casual or close friends. It would be impossible (and dangerous) to suggest a particular amount of time because we are each so different in energy and temperament.
Solution
Determine what is an optimal, standard and minimum amount of friendship time you will commit to key friends. Each friend cannot get the same amount of you every week, month or year, but you need to set some goals. (Remember: What gets measured, gets done.) My Thursday morning call is my minimum acceptable quantity of time with my friend Laura. Our optimal goal is seeing each other a number of times throughout the year.
I only need to connect with other friends once a month. I have two friends with whom I get together to share a coffee or a smoothie every one to two months. We pick up where we left off the last time. The laughter, camaraderie and warmth I experience with these friends refreshes me.I Wonder . . .
*Who refreshes you?
*When was the last time you were together? And before that?
*How much time would it take to connect just to check in? Would it be worth the time?Requirement #2: Friendships Require Honesty and Trust.
Sharing your heart, fears, challenges and frustrations with someone can be the highest compliment you give. It can act as the glue that melds friends together. Too often we maintain masks that falsely proclaim, "Everything's great, fine, wonderful." Yet, the ramblings in our mind as we drive, try to fall asleep at night or work during the day are filled with unspoken concerns. Friendships contribute to emotional health when they allow you to express what is turned inward. They enable you to sort thoughts and articulate the confusing situations and issues in life. Real friends provide an environment that allows you to let out the good, the bad and the ugly.
Solution
Be honest with those few friends who you trust. Tell the truth. When you don't honestly share, even if your friends don't know what your truth is, they sense that you are not being authentic. (Caution: Make sure that you share honestly with someone who has earned your trust and respect. Someone who doesn't honor the sacredness of your conversations only causes stress and dissension.)
Be trustworthy. Gossip is a real friendship killer. Label gossip anything you like, but talking about others while they are not with you always sets you up for crossing the line. Here's your test. Would you say what you're saying, in the tone you are saying it, if that person was present?I Wonder . . .
*Do you hold back with emotions or thoughts that might make you appear weak or powerless?
*Do you qualify everything you say?
*Do you gossip?
*Do you speak truth with love and kindness? Have you even thought about speaking with love and kindness?Requirement #3: Friendships Require Your Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Presence.
If you don't feel physically, emotionally or spiritually grounded, you're going to have a tough time giving your energy, support and true self to others.
Solution
Take better care of yourself physically (sleep, exercise, good nutrition), and you'll increase your physical capacity to have energy for friend time.
Take care of your emotional self. Your physical environment (messy, organized, clean, bright, dreary) impacts your emotional state. Ask for what you need and want. Others won't be able to mind read or guess correctly.
Spending time with someone who is spiritually grounded is rejuvenating. Be that person for someone else by knowing what you believe and then living these beliefs in a positive way.I Wonder . . .
*What could you do today that would fuel your body well?
*What is something that would give you the energy to connect with a friend, if only for 10 minutes?
*What are you tolerating from those who drain you?
*What do you need that you haven't asked for today?
*What spiritual food have you digested today?Requirement #4: Friendships Require You to Actively Listen.
The first step to being truly present is to actively listen and let everything else go. This kind of listening lets friends know that they are important and worth your focus. (Few people get that today.) With some friends, you are naturally able to actively listen. The world and its cares vaporize as you connect. With others, you may need to work at it.
Solution
Listen without the need to respond in some brilliant way. Listen to what is being said (the words), and what emotions are being expressed (fear, joy, anxiety, faith, determination). Trust your gut to listen for what's not being said, yet is probably true or overlooked by your friend. ("She's saying she's angry, but I'll bet she's really hurt.") Share what you're observing or feeling.
While recently doing a seminar, I asked the group to participate in a quick exercise using active listening skills. They could neither interrupt, nor question their partners. Their goal was to connect by listening to hear, see and feel the person. This exercise was a simple request that was challenging for them to accomplish and was a profound experience for many people. Some said they realized how little they "actually listen" even to friends. More frightening was that they realized how little they felt listened to.I Wonder . . .
*Who has listened closely and fully to you today?
*Who have you actively listened to today?
*How did it feel to be heard?
*How did it feel to let someone know that he or she counts?
"I encourage you to take time to thoughtfully answer the I Wonder questions and proactively make something happen. Make a call, write a letter, set a date. Don't stop with good intentions, ACT on what you discover!Friendship Book Resources;
Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives
by Jan Yager
Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For
by Alan Loy McGinnis
FOR KIDS:
Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children
by Michael Thompson
The Friendship Factor : Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World-- And Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness
by Kenneth H., Ph.D. Rubin, Andrea ThompsonNutrition Sites;
I found two more terrific sites this month. If you are gluten sensitive or know someone who is, you'll want to check these sites out; www.foodallergy.org or www.celiac.com.
Get Moving!
Spring is here. Are you ready to get out and walk for exercise? Do you know how to walk with proper alignment and technique? Do you have an energetic coach who can charge you up and encourage you to get into action? No! Well, guess what...I'm willing and able to help you do both! Learn to walk effectively and get coached along the way with my LifeWalk; Take a Walk, Change Your Life audio training tape.
Order it today for your Spring walks and feel energized and rejuvenated! Go to http://katelarsen.com and look under Products.Favorite Quote for the Month
"Anxiety is the natural result of putting our hope in anything other than the will of God for our lives." Billy Graham
Leadership Speaking Opportunities
I would like to address the leaders you work with and know. I present keynotes and workshops on developing the leader within (personal leadership) and the influencer who leads teams (corporate leadership). Contact our office today and ask how I can support you, your team and your vision through solutions that combine coaching with speaking for the most effective change initiatives possible. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Your Requests-what's on your mind?
What topics would you like me to address? If your article topic is chosen, I will send you a $20 gift certificate to your favorite restaurant or donate it to a cause of your choice.
Thanks for your energy, interest and enthusiasm. Make it a great month!
Kate
kate@katelarsen.com======================================================
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Larsen is a full-time professional speaker and certified professional coach. Kate's ability to combine keynotes, seminars and follow up coaching uniquely qualifies her to provide a complete solution to training that has lasting impact. Kate's ideal client (individual or corporate) is proactive, stuck and/or and wanting to take their lives or businesses to the next level of success. Kate works with organizations to create leaders and teams that exceed performance expectations while loving their work.
When you hire Kate, you get her high energy, authentic and engaging style and practical solutions to leadership and life challenges. Plus, her clients say she's fun and easy to work with.
Click here http://katelarsen.com/speaking.html or cut and paste this address into your web browser for a complete list of Kate's programs on Personal & Professional Leadership, Coaching and Balancing Life/Work programs.
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Feel free to call Kate or her staff to discuss your program needs or e-mail any questions you might have. I would be happy to respond.
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Kate Larsen
Tel: 952-943-1430
Fax: 952-941-3521
E-mail: kate@katelarsen.com======================================================
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