Transform your life, one choice at a time
Transform your team, one person at a timeThis issue of Maximum Performance contains;
- Part II The Care and Feeding of Friendships
- Take Time for 10 ThingsThe Care and Feeding of Friendships Part II
I was once described as her "airport girlfriend." When I asked, "What in the world that meant?" Katherine said, "Well, you're the kind of friend that if you needed a ride to or from the airport, at any time, I'd be there!" An interesting way to qualify friends, however, I felt special. We need to take more time in our lives to develop airport friends.
In the last issue of Maximum Performance, I shared four requirements for strong friendships, solutions to strengthening them and 18 questions you could ask yourself to do a check up on your friendship health. Those requirements were:
Requirement #1: Friendship Requires Commitment.
Requirement #2: Friendships Require Honesty and Trust.
Requirement #3: Friendships Require Your Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Presence.
Requirement #4: Friendships Require You to Actively Listen.In this issue, I'll share some reality checks on friendships. Some solution ideas and questions to ask will follow.
Hope you assessed yourself last month and discovered some new ideas for giving some friendships some needed CPR or at least a call.
Some Reality Checks on Friendships
Reality Check #1: You Will Find That Your Friendships Are Not Perfectly Balanced.
It's important to understand that the give and take of a friendship will shift over time. Like two kids on a teeter-totter, one person will be up and the other down. Sometimes both people will be even. When you evaluate a good diet, you don't want to take too narrow a snapshot of your nutrition to evaluate it. It's the same with friendship. Be aware of how balanced your friendship is over time. Look at how often you are giving and your friend is taking emotionally, physically and spiritually and visa versa.
When my clients raise their level of awareness around this issue, many recognize that the reason some friendships feel draining, diminished or futile is because the friend has always been allowed to take.
Solution
You'll probably know in your gut if a friend is capable of participating in an emotionally balanced give-and-take friendship. Some people are so self-absorbed or narrowly focused that they can never be a genuine friend. Friendships need boundaries set, just as work or family relationships need them. It may be that this friend has never realized he or she is a monopolizing the conversation and energy of the friendship.I Wonder . . .
- Do you feel like the "parent" or advisor in a particular friendship? Are you always fixing problems and leaving conversations with someone feeling worse than when you got together? If so, run, don't walk to a new friend! This person/relationship is a drainer. This is someone who most likely uses people to fuel his or her need for attention and drama.Reality Check #2: You Can Outgrow Friends.
A gentleman struck up a conversation with me while I was recently sitting at the airport waiting to fly home. He asked if I was from the area, and I said I was not. He was disappointed because he was looking for advice on housing since he and his wife were moving to the area. The conversation led to a discussion about how he was actually looking forward to the move even though he had lived in his current town most of his life. He said that once he and his wife had gone back to school for degrees, they noticed their friends seemed to resent their new schedules, new interests and new insights about world issues. Many of the pastimes that used to amuse them lost their appeal for them but their friends still enjoyed them. These differences made the relationships progressively more awkward. The truth was that the couple had outgrown their friends. As difficult as it was for them to think about leaving the friendships, staying in them was proving more painful than fulfilling.
I Wonder . . .
- What friends have you outgrown? Try not to place judgments on friendships that have shifted. The friendship is now different. Consciously choose how much time and energy is appropriate for you to invest.
- What friends may you be missing out on spending quality time with because you don't want to "hurt someone's feelings"?
- Do you find yourself avoiding a particular person, yet feeling cornered into spending time together periodically? Who would you prefer to spend time with instead?Reality Check #3: You May Shed "Season-of-Life" Friendships.
Look back over the years. Do you remember with a fond smile some friendships that were terrific at the time, but would never work well today? It's not that these friends are not great people. Life has simply taken you down different paths. Along the way, people step into our lives for a season and move on. I think of a couple my husband and I spent hours, weekends and vacations with. We had a wonderful friendship. We went on to have children and they did not. Their choices were neither good nor bad. Just different. Yet, our time and energy shifted and so did our friendships. I am a very loyal person. I want close friends to stay close forever. However, that is not how it works. Another familiar and true adage is, "Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver, the other is gold."
Solution
You can probably think of a few people that you count as close to you who know you and have shared your life. Take stock and consider how you can continue to connect even when life is busy. I send cards, e-mails and trinkets that remind me of them or a fun occasion we had and sometimes make rare and special visits. Added up over time, small visits, thoughts and calls make a big difference.I Wonder . . .
- What can you do today or this week to connect with someone and remind this person that he or she is special to you? Let your friend know how you are, what is going on and find out what is going on in his or her life. It may take days or weeks to actually connect, but this action itself will help you feel proactive.As we pay special attention to our physical health each day, let us also pay attention to our friendship health. Make the commitment today so you don't pay the cost tomorrow. Charles Caleb Colton put it beautifully, "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."
This is an old writing for which I have no author. The paper on which I've saved it is yellow. I share it with you to remind you to take time for the important vs. the urgent.
Take Time For 10 Things
- Take time to work -- it is the price of success.
- Take time to think - it is the source of power.
- Take time to play - it is the secret of youth.
- Take time to read - it is the foundation of knowledge.
- Take time to worship - it is the highway of reverence and washes the dust of earth from our eyes.
- Take time to help and enjoy friends - it is the source of happiness.
- Take time to love - it is the one sacrament of life.
- Take time to dream - it hitches the soul to the stars.
- Take time to laugh - it is the singing that helps with life's loads.
- Take time to plan - it is the secret of being able to have time to take time for the first nine things.
Let Kate know what topics and information would be of interest to you and/or your team to becoming more effective, healthy and successful. You can email her at kate@katelarsen.com
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Larsen is a full-time professional speaker and certified professional coach. Kate's ability to combine keynotes, seminars and follow up coaching uniquely qualifies her to provide a complete solution to training that has lasting impact. Kate's ideal client (individual or corporate) is proactive, stuck and/or and wanting to take their lives or businesses to the next level of success. Kate works with organizations to create leaders and teams that exceed performance expectations while loving their work.
When you hire Kate, you get her high energy, authentic and engaging style and practical solutions to leadership and life challenges. Plus, her clients say she's fun and easy to work with.
Click here http://katelarsen.com/speaking.html or cut and paste this address into your web browser for a complete list of Kate's programs on Personal & Professional Leadership, Coaching and Balancing Life/Work programs.
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Feel free to call Kate or her staff to discuss your program needs or e-mail any questions you might have. I would be happy to respond.
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Kate Larsen
Tel: 952-943-1430
Fax: 952-941-3521
E-mail: kate@katelarsen.com======================================================
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